Burkean Campus Insider: Dublin Nightlife Guide

Continuing our Fresher’s Week student guide, we take a look at the vibrant, fragrant, vagrant world of Dublin nightlife…

Students escaping from their restrictive and domineering family homes, where their bitchy mammies refuse to use vegan plant-based alternative foods, will be euphoric over how the doors the Dublin city night life will open for them, mainly doors to ecstasy and public defecation. Now you can get hammered and save the planet. Rewilded – just as per the Young Green party policy. 

Dublin’s nightlife is often compared to cities like Paris, London and Berlin. 

Many Dublin nightclubs have been colonised by fashy teen Culchies, who attempt to recreate the disgusting homogeneity of their backwater shit holes to the sound of 2010s pop music. Lebensborn under the guise of “Getting the ride” – Copper’s has long been a hub of international reactionary racism. Rumours have it that showing an NP membership card will get you a free shot of Sambuca. Ryan’s and Flannery’s alongside Copper’s complete the Bogger Triangle of Agrifascism.

In contrast to the Copper’s cesspit, Workman’s is an established Dublin cultural institution, where the greatest of Irish literary figures (Sally Rooney, Sinead O’Conner, Oscar Wilde, and Kevin Sharkey) have been known to engage in tomfoolery and horseplay. A regular hub for art hoes, the redditor, and the eternal student, it’s a great place for good upstanding, principled left-wing individuals of undefined gender identity or sexual orientation to find companions. 

We know Coppers is a fascist establishment due to Mark Malone’s fearless journalism posing as a barman with a GoPro camera, where he found Derek Blighe, Hermann Kelly, Gemma O’Doherty, James Reynolds, Niall McConnell, and John McGuirk dancing, asking for skins in the smoking area. “Heading Coppers ?” is a dog whistle often used by Fascists to signal political associations, using the street-lingo nickname “White Race-jacks” to refer to the club. 

A general reminder that Irish university codes of conduct mandate that students with nicotine dependencies use carbon footprint reducing, eco-friendly vapes, as opposed to the pollutants released by bigoted smokers. 

The Academy, a formerly reputable club, in recent months garnered notoriety as a hotspot for filthy NCAD students. With this new influx of doped-out arts students, the Academy has considered introducing a dress code to freeze out the pigs. It was karma (a divine act by the non-binary god Shiva) that the Academy was closed due to a rat plague after a future tech-CEO billionaire of colour was kicked out of the club. Play racist games, win racist prizes. 

Dublin’s international club of luxury, Dicey’s beer garden, is a fantastic destination for students looking to broaden their minds and experiences to other cultures. Hosting a famous “French-night”, Dicey’s opens its doors with a Francophone theme for the night, letting students experience a wonderful night of French-Algerian fusion culture. Every other night in Dicey’s is Brazilian night, where the finest sudaca pop music about weed, infidelity, anal sex, and anal sex while smoking weed can be enjoyed.

However, it must be asserted that despite the ample options for student nightlife across Dublin, our brave students must be prepared to defend LGBT rights, as their counterparts did in Cork, with a Cork LGBT bar posing to impose heteronormativity on its patrons in exchange for bribes from the Catholic Church. Just like Bishop McQuaid. If not for the courage of LGBTHeroes like Mick Barry and Roderik O’Gorman, The George in Dublin would meet a similar fate. 

Congratulations for being in college, a future member of the 1%. In the wise words of Sinead O’Connor “Don’t follow the crowd, let the crowd follow you.” Be sure to stay in touch with your Burkean campus coordinators who have so diligently shown new students around campus this year, as we provide free student mentorship, counselling, and love!!!!