Vote for Ryan Corley

In-person voting began at UCD for the Student Union elections on the 4th of April, and will finish today. Online voting has since closed, but, given the history of election fraud across the western world, online voting can be considered but a tool for incumbent candidates to maintain their authority.

In light of the unreliability of online voting, all students are encouraged to vote in person for their preferred candidates. The Burkean endorses Ryan Corley’s run for Student Union Campaigns and Engagements Officer, and encourages all students to vote for the only candidate with the necessary mettle to make UCD great again.

Corley’s election promises include regular coffee mornings to catch up with student gossip and more protests on pertinent issues like housing. However, Ryan’s open campaign promises, while seemingly promising, are only a fraction of the revolutionary fervour his ideas are set to bring to campus. 

If rumours at the Clubhouse bar are to be believed, UCD’s campus will never be the same again. Though rumours may not indicate the true inner-workings of Corley’s master plan, they are an indication of which of his ideas have most powerfully captured the student imagination.

It is alleged that one student in the Clubhouse bar said “he isn’t really a political guy, he’s just one of the lads trying to take on the establishment.”

Another student suggested that Ryan’s campaign is largely concerned with tackling anti-social behaviour on campus, such as the lack of outdoor gym spaces and the “low-T vibes” on campus. 

Though students will undoubtedly vote for Ryan’s better campaign, it must also be noted that the woman running against him, Miranda Bauer, is a fan of the Argentinian football team. This is concerning for campus politics, in light of the controversy surrounding Lionel Messi’s ancestry during the World Cup last year. 

Ryan supports rejoining USI for the greater student support that it can provide. However, it is unknown as to what his policy is on UCD SU’s future drug policy, and the consequences that it may have on the campus gymrat community.

Should Corley win the elections, it can be likened to a Campus Cultural Revolution, out with the old and in with the new. The old SHAG week programme could be replaced with a mandatory week of “psycho-cutting” at the gym.

Perhaps next year he could take a run for president of the SU, lest the liberal campus bias make another Katie Ascough impeachment fiasco out of Ryan’s good intentions.

Remember to exercise your right to vote, and to vote for Ryan Corley.