Ellen Coyne’s BBW Liberation Theology

Coyne: A career in bloatmaxxing 

A distinctive feature of contemporary Ireland is the prominence of female writers. Following the successful adaptation of Sally Rooney’s ‘Normal People’ to domestic and international screens, it was announced that Naoise Dolan’s ‘Exciting Times’ would follow suit, with a television adaptation currently in the works.  

With success comes 2^nd rate imitators. Enter: Ellen Coyne. 

Coyne is mediocre by every metric. Coyne will never write a piece that’ll engender the euphoria of enlightenment (tips fedora) in her readers; what sort of deviant-masochist feels excited to read an Ellen Coyne article? 

Coyne reminds me of the type to list her withered Secondary School CSPE female teacher as a prime political influence. Coyne reminds me of the type who got excited when Barack Obama was elected – worse yet, both times. She reminds me of  the type to be overcome with disabling awe in the face of ‘expert opinion’, while also wanting a reassuring and toothless Catholicism to fall back upon after yet another night of poor decisions. 

More important than her mediocrity as a political commentator is her physical appearance. Principled conservatives will whine: “It doesn’t matter what she looks like, critique her ideas not her body”. On the contrary, didn’t Nietzsche argue that Socrates’ rationalism stemmed from his abhorrent appearance? Conservatives must purge their fixation with disembodied rationalism, “facts and logic”, and the politics of respectability: bad people create bad ideas; the ad hominem is not a fallacy, it’s pattern recognition. 

Based on my ‘Google Images’ detective skills, I’m guessing that Ellen Coyne is in her late twenties or early thirties. Appearance-wise, she wears fake tan and cakes her face in makeup; a symptom of decay all too common amongst contemporary Irish women. I should also add that she’s overweight, though the true and horrifying extent of her bloat is difficult to discern since she’s skilled at mitigating her girth using dresses.

More positively, she has a decent physiognomy – to be more specific, Coyne possesses a skinny-ish face. This saving grace ranks her higher, despite her weight, than Naoise Dolan, whose face is nauseating. Unless Ellen Coyne promptly joins Slimming World, it seems likely that Sally Rooney will retain her spot as the most attractive female writer in Ireland.

Return to tradition (the wrong kind) 

Despite her problematic physique, the announcement of her debut book “Are You There God? It’s Me, Ellen” spurred the culture distorters to come out of the woodwork, announcing their unabashed support. This perverse display of incestuous sycophancy was appalling; striking was the sheer diversity of the accounts replying with approval to Coyne’s announcement, from the dilettante Blindboy to the overpaid Miriam O’Callaghan. 

This bizarre spectacle was eerily analogous to an ancient fertility cult, in which each lowly member of the tribe would cower and pay their dues before the Soviet-like rule of the tyrannical Mother Goddess. In early sculpture, such goddesses are depicted as obese cylinders of flesh. Their gargantuan BBW bodies reveal a fixation on size above form, a tell-tale mark of the aesthetic primitive who equates size with quality.

Incidentally, this regressive obsession with mass and size emanates from the United States, which boasts the fattest population of any western nation, as well as being the nation which pioneered obscene skyscrapers. Evola once stated that “The American ‘mind’, puerile and primitive, lacks characteristic form”.

The fat acceptance movement is proof that this anti-spirit not only lingers, but is growing stronger. Their perverse view of beauty is primitive and passé. Thankfully our Indo-European ancestors, those to whom the adjective ‘Faustian’ is most applicable, quashed matriarchal despotism, ushering in the age of true progress in the form of patriarchal ancestor worship, the most enduring religious structure of antiquity, as Fustel de Coulanges aptly demonstrated in his excellent work, ‘The Ancient City’. Bring back the Pater Familias!

Unfortunately, Cthulhu swims left, and if present trends are not reversed, we will find ourselves sliding towards inexorable entropy, resulting in a return to the primitive existence of matriarchal pre-Indo-European Europe. 

This state of existence was aptly described by a prominent anti-Xenoestrogen activist: “If you travelled in Europe around…3000 BC you would find wise-eyed cowlike black-haired Neolithic matrons overseeing vast villages of longhouses where lived the human animal, fifty or a hundred to a room, with sheep and goats, wallowing in its own shit, tilling the soil, eating those of its members deemed to be ‘chosen by the gods’, and she might even smack you on the head with a dildo and question your privilege…This is the condition of most of mankind until recently, and it is the suffocating miasma to which the modern world is fast returning.”. 

*BBW Liberation Theology intensifies*

“Are You There God? It’s Me, Ellen” is a work of post-catholic schizophrenia. Coyne endeavours to discuss the transparent contradictions between her latent nostalgia for the Catholicism of her youth and her adherence to the dominant ideology of a post-catholic nation. 

In theory, such a work would be a welcome addition. While an objective (to the extent it’s possible), aloof, and analytical study would be preferable, a personal essay detailing one’s internal struggle between Old and New Ireland would also be appreciated. 

Emphasis on “In theory”. The problem with this work is that Coyne is writing it. Coyne has no discernible background in theology; not to convey a belief in credentialism on my part. However, I’ve seen no evidence to suggest that she’s an autodidact in the field either. 

Further, statements by Coyne regarding the upcoming book don’t alleviate my concerns. She states: “I hugely disagree with some of the Church’s teaching but also believed that faith was important and there might be some good there”.

But what are these concerns? The reforms of Vatican 2? Questionable statements by the current pontiff? The absence of zealous Ultramontanism to combat the excess immorality of secular governments? No. She specifies the Vatican’s “sexist and homophobic attitudes” as problematic teachings. 

The adduced remarks highlight her ignorance of the Catholic faith. An area of contention that sharply divided Catholics and Protestants since the Reformation was the question of biblical exegesis. 

Since Martin Luther, Protestants have affirmed the notion that scripture need not be interpreted by a hierarchical body – the church, for instance. This doctrine is known as Sola Scriptura (“Scripture Alone”). It views scripture as the sole valid authority in respect of theological matters. Ergo, since scripture stands alone bereft of any authoritative interpreting institution, anyone can read and hence draw inferences from the bible. 

In contrast, Catholicism draws on dual streams for theological understanding: Sacred Scripture and Sacred Tradition. Interpretation of both is carried out by the Magisterium, a formalised institution within the hierarchical body of the Catholic Church. 

Catholicism clearly places emphasis on authoritative interpretation, yet Coyne seeks to assert values, specifically relating to questions of a woman’s role, abortion, and homosexuality, which are diametrically opposed to the interpretation of the Magisterium. 

Why does Coyne seek to reconcile her whiggish-mores with a faith which asserts a diametrically opposed worldview? Not off to a great start Ellen…

Ellen Coyne’s implicit syncretic new age-bizzaro-Protestantism 

The ostensive rationale behind her renewed interest in religion is “that faith is important”. Upon reading this, a feeling of derision crept. 

The reduction of religion – its metaphysics, politics, ethics, empirical claims, and so on – to the position of a mere feeling, and worse, a frivolous feeling, is a notable characteristic of women who become interested in religion, as will be attested by any impartial observer whose sense perception is intact. 

One pictures hippies dancing around the fire, their mental faculties distorted by narcotics, getting in touch with their [insert misconstrued concept from an Oriental religion here] as an ad hoc justification for their vice. 

It must be asked: why, of all faiths, did Coyne choose Catholicism for her spiritual journey? The adduced admission by Coyne regarding her renewed interest in religion is incongruent with the Catholic tradition, the tradition of Aquinas, the man who harmonised faith and reason. 

Surely a watered-down bastardisation of Oriental traditions would suit Coyne’s quest better. The emphasis on nebulous esotericism – in its worst form – and compatibility with her median IQ political views would quench her thirst. Just don’t mention Hinduism’s divinely ordained hierarchy. 

Fortunately, the Occident is not bereft of anti-rational religions. So, if Coyne is not inclined toward the exoticness of Eastern mysticism, she can always turn to Protestantism. 

Influenced by the anti-rationalism of William of Ockham who argued that a rational universe contradicted God’s omnipotence, Luther was more blunt, stating that “Reason is a whore, the greatest enemy that faith has; it never comes to the aid of spiritual things, but more frequently than not struggles against the divine Word, treating with contempt all that emanates from God.”

Two paths Ellen – which way western woman? 

Conclusion: the death of intellect

I will not read Coyne’s book when it’s released. Further, I encourage the readers of this article to follow my example. Coyne’s petty oxymoronic testament matters insofar as it symbolises the state of Ireland’s intellectual strata. 

Germany in the 1700s and 1800s bore German Idealism. France was awash with theorists in the 20^th century, from Georges Sorel to Michel Foucault. Not long ago, Ireland too produced thinkers of immense value, such as Fr. Denis Fahy, Standish O’Grady, and Fr. Edward Cahill. 

Who are the chief thinkers among our chattering class, those petty lapdogs of American progressivism? Ellen Coyne and Blindboy? Opportunity beckons all challengers, the time for a nationalist intellectual insurgency is certainly ripe.

Venus Image from Nevit Dilmen used under CC BY-SA 3.0